Prayers for Riley
by MelodyGrace1809
Summary: Riley realizes something that changes her life. She struggles with it and her family's reactions. Based off the story Prayers for Bobby. Slight AU where her parents are strict christians, Topanga is a bit OOC, and 3 years in the future. I do not own Girl meets world. Warnings: Trigger, Suicide attempt and Suicide(spoiler) and homophobia. Also, it is not just hate for Christianity
1. The bridge

Riley's POV:

I am on my way home, Maya has already gone home. It's not curfew yet, in fact I have half an hour left. I walk across a bridge which is straight above the main road. I decide to pause at the middle of the bridge and watch the cars pass by. I think about all the people in those cars. All going home to their loving families. I watch the blinking lights, safely showing people the way, despite the darkness that surrounds them.

I then think about my life. It actually is pretty good. I have two happily married Christian parents, an adorable little brother and amazing friends. I go to a good school with my father as a teacher. I get good grades, go to church every Sunday and I follow all the rules. I have the best friend in the world, Maya Hart, and a loving boyfriend, Lucas Friar.

My mind wanders to a time where my family and my friends were all out having a picnic a couple years ago. I remember me and Lucas falling onto the floor and laughing together. I also remember Maya and I singing songs and dancing.

 _Out here in space, I kiss your green face but it feels like you're light years away._

I feel like light years away. Despite my perfect life, something is wrong. I can't be sure what it is, but in these moments I feel overwhelmed by the feeling that something is missing. That something big is missing.

I look directly down. The height of the bridge is about 10 meters, and cars are passing by so quickly underneath. Lights blur and I hear beeping and the whooshing of the fast vehicles disappearing underneath me.

I look up and see the stars. I remember naming them. One billion trillion stars they say. That time felt so long ago, when really it was only about three years ago. A time where happy innocent Riley had no doubts. So many stars, that we are just specks. Not important. So why does my life out of all the stars, out of all the cars matter? I am Riley Matthews, from Greenwich Village, New York, the United States of America, the Continent of North America, The Western Hemisphere, the Earth, the Milky Way, the universe... the mind of god. The mind of God.

I think about God. I was told that our lives are part of God refracted, like the colors in a rainbow. I have always loved rainbows. So many colors all different but in harmony with each other. I grew up with my school and family strictly telling me to listen to God, for he has decided my fate, my life. I read the Bible, go to church and have memorized almost the entire thing. Yet some parts will never make sense to me.

I look down at my watch. 10 minutes and I need to be home. A tear escapes my eye and I watch it fall and land on the rough road below before continuing on my path home.


	2. The people

The next day, Lucas and I are together in my room. We are alone in the house, because my parents and Auggie are at his parent teacher meetings. Right now, we are in the heat of making out, sitting in the bay window. We break apart for a second, and Lucas looks into my eyes.

'Riley, are you ready?' My heart palpatates. I didn't know it was supposed to be this pressurizing.

'Um, Lucas is it okay if-'

'No, Riley I completely understand. You're not ready yet. I'm sorry for pushing you. I shouldn't have.' I look at him gratefully.

'Thanks Lucas. Actually... my parents are going to be home soon, is it okay if you...'

'Sure, Riley' he climbs out of the window. 'Some other time?'

'Actually Lucas I've been thinking... I don't know if I can do this anymore.'

'But, I thought-, we've been together so long... if it's because of-' he looks helpless. I need to interject.

'No, Lucas, it's not you. I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore.'

'Okay, Riley I respect you still and am so sorry.' He leaves.

'Dont be...' I manage just before he is gone. I sigh, and flop down backwards on my bed.

* * *

I walk Auggie to school the day after. We usually stop at his school before continuing to mine. Maya usually walks with us, but she was busy and needed to be in school early for an art project.

'Augs?'

'Yeah Riley?' My little brother has grown so much in height and wisdom.

'You are gonna be okay if something's wrong with me, right?' I don't want to burden him, but I need to talk to him.

'What could be wrong with you, Riley? You're Mom and Dad's favourite, you are the leader of your friend group at school, you have Lucus-'

'Well I don't have Lucas anymore. But you're right. I'll be okay.'

'Are you sure, Riley, you seem pretty concerning.'

'Auggie, if I don't end up... with you guys, you will look after Mom and Dad right?'

'Riley, of course, but do you mean in life or'

'Both, baby. Life and heaven. If I don't go to heaven I need to know you guys will be okay.'

'I love you Riley.' I hug him tight.

'I love you too. This is your stop.'

* * *

In school, Maya meets me just before first period. I look at her and she waves. 'Sup loser. Sorry I couldn't be there this morning'

'Nah it's okay, Maya.' Something about her makes me unable to take me eyes off of her. This isn't the first time I've felt this way. It's almost regular.

'Hey Riley ' I look over to see Lucas, Farkle, Zay and Smackle. Lucus doesn't seem much different and I don't think he told the rest yet. I wave and go to greet him.

'Why aren't you guys like makin out already?' Zay asks us. We look at each other and I nod to Lucus.

'We broke up. Mutual.' He says solemnly and we walk into history class.

* * *

Later I'm sitting on the couch and flicking through TV channels. Free form shows up. The Fosters is on. I never used to be allowed to watch things like this. Before I can change the channel, my dad walks in.

'Whats that, Riley?'

'Oh, nothing.' I change the channel.

'Riley I saw that. Don't go watching shows like that. Queers like that should not be allowed to live normally just like that, and should not be showcased on tell vision for my innocent family to see.'

'I know dad'

'Its sick, Riley. Just be careful what you're watching. Stuff like that was not planned by god.'

'Ok daddy.'

I look away to hide my emotions, and turn to Red Planet Diaries, which they are doing a rerun of.


	3. The pills

I'm alone in the house. I just get home from school on Friday. Auggie isn't home yet, Dad must be on the way to pick him up soon. Mom is still at work.

I run into the bathroom. 20 minutes until Dad and Auggie usually get home.

I made sure already to tell Maya I have to study. She won't come here.

I open the cabinet and immediately reach out for the bottle of aspirins. I run to my room with it.

I think about the things my parents have said against people like me. I remember their rude remarks, their ideals and what they have told me about homosexuality.

 _Leviticus 20:13 If a man shall lie with another man as he lies with a woman, both have committed an abomination and shall be put to death_

And I feel all the pain of their words stinging into me.

I pour a handful into my hand.

Three go into my mouth and are swallowed down at once. It's all I can swallow at once.

 _Ecclesiastes 7:17 Be not over much wicked, neither be you foolish; why should you die before your time?_

I can't do it.

The rest fall onto the floor.

I collapse back onto my bed, knocking over the bottle.

I hear a knock on my door and begin to panick. The knock is soft. I didn't hear the front door open, but it must have. The door opens before I can stop them, and the person enters my room.

"Riley, I just wanted to know if- woah. Riley? RILEY ARE YOU OKAY?" Auggie is shouting and already shaking me. "Riley, did you take these?" He asks when my eyes open.

"No Auggie. I'm sorry, I couldn't do it. I couldn't." I cry.

"What happened, Riley?"

"I... no I can't tell you Auggie. Why are you home so early?"

"Whatever is it Riley we can just talk about it with Mom and Dad and they'll fix it!" He's so innocent, I can't help but love him. "I'm home normal time from school today. But I'm going to be leaving for soccer practice in fifteen minutes. Just enough time for you to tell me what's wrong. Don't avoid the subject, Riley."

"Auggs, I just... It's serious. And you can't tell Mom or Dad. Promise me you won't tell anyone."

"Does Maya know what it is?"

"No, Auggie."

Auggie's POV:

Wow, I can't believe she going to trust me with something that even Maya doesn't know.

"I'm not normal, Auggs. I don't... I don't fantasize about being with boys like Lucas. I fantasize about girls. Like Maya."

Woah. I don't know what to think. I wouldn't think of her any different, but I've no been told so much about gays in Sunday School and Church. "Riley, it's okay. Please don't feel bad about it. I still love you."

* * *

On the way to soccer practice, Dad drops me. An hour later, Mom picks me up.

I am in the car on the way home with Mom. I can't stop thinking about what Riley told me earlier. I don't think of her any different, so why would Mom or Dad? I'm just so worried, because she almost killed herself.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, honey?"

"I'm really worried about Riley." I blurt out.

"Why is that, sweetie? Did something happen?"

"She... she was about to stuff her face with a bunch of pills earlier. I-"

"What are you talking about, Auggie? Tell me, do you know what this is about?" she asks me desperately and slightly angrily. It scares me when she has this tone in her voice.

"She... she thinks she might be" it's so hard to say, but I don't want to let Riley waste away alone "she thinks she might be gay, mom" I almost whisper.

"What? No, she can't be. She's not." She seems almost furious, as if she is trying to keep in her anger.

"Mommy, she didn't want me to tell you, she trusted me. Please don't be too hard on her."

"Don't worry baby. Thank you for telling me." She whispers a prayer to god, and I don't hear any of it, because it's under her breath.

* * *

"Cory, I will not allow such an abomination in my household." Mom shouts at Dad.

Riley is still in her bedroom, and probably can't hear the argument right now, but I am sitting on the couch and can hear everything that is happening in the kitchen.

"What's this, Topanga? She thinks she's gay? Well what am I supposed to do about it? Do we have to deal with this now?"

"Yes, Cory, we must end this immediately."

I hear footsteps. My parents go quiet. Riley appears in the corridor. She looks casual, and walks into the kitchen and sits down. I follow to the table, and everyone sits down together for dinner.

It's almost normal until Mom says "Riley, anything going on that you want to tell us about?"

"No, why would I..." then she looks at me.

"I'm really sorry, Riley" I whisper "I was just worried about you"

"Worried? How could you have?"

"Riley, God will help you. We can fix this. We can cure you, don't worry, sweetheart" Mom says.

"Are you sure, Mom? Can you really cure me? Is there a cure?"

"Yes, honey. God will help you to change and to abolish these haenous thoughts from your innocent mind." Mom replies gently.

"Okay, Mom" Riley looks regretful, but as if she will go along with it. I can see she badly hopes it can help her.


	4. The cure

I lie on the couch, surrounded in a blanket and eating gummie bears. I bite the heads off first so they feel less pain. The television is playing the news, which is just monotonously reporting about terrorism, law and other random things in the world.

My mom walks in and sticks a post it note on the top of the TV. It reads "God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

I can see in her other hand a pocket bible with plenty of sticker bookmarks in pages. She must be sticking them around the house.

* * *

I go to school the next day as normal, as if nothing happened, attempting for nobody to be able to tell.

When Maya and I walk into history class, my dad has written on the board, Greenwich Village, New York, 1969.

'Oh no.' I whisper. I know what this is about, but everyone else looks confused. We sit in our places, Maya still oblivious to what is going on.

'Does everyone have to know, Dad?' I ask him desperately.

'It's for your own good, sweetie.' He assures me. It doesn't help much, and I turn to Maya, who still doesn't know anything.

Farkle pipes up. 'Mr Matthews, that is a place and a date. Neither of them are Belgium, or 1831. Why?'

'Don't worry, Farkle, this is important. Now, who knows what happened in Greenwich Village, right where we are, in 1969?'

I know the answer, but refuse to raise my hand. 'Riley?'

'No, Daddy. I'm not saying.'

'Riley, honey, the first step to a cure is admitting.'

I stand up. 'Greenwich Village, 1969. An inn called stonewall. They were a gay bar, and were attacked by police.' I fight to hold back the tears. 'They protested.' The tears are getting harder to fight back. 'They fought with their lives. Many people died. But that year, a right movement occurred as an effect.' My face is now wet, and Maya looks extremely concerned.

I debate wether to sit down or run out of the class. I look at everyone's face one by one.

Lucas looks shocked.

Farkle is worried.

Smackle is indifferent.

Zay looks confused.

And Maya. Precious Maya. She is concerned. She cares. I run out of the class, and despite my dad and friends' protests and calls for my name, I continue.

Maya's POV:

I stand up to follow Riley, but Mr Matthews grabs on to me and sits me back down. 'Leave her.' His face looks more stern than it ever has before. I sit tensely in my chair.

'Stonewall riots. The LGBT movement. People fought against the law, against the Bible. Sinners.' He yells, then repeats it, almost in a whisper, 'sinners.'

* * *

After class, I run to look for Riley. She is nowhere to be seen in school. Everyone helps me but doesn't mention the previous class.

When it is apparent that she is not at school, at the end of the day, we rush as fast as possible to her house. We don't think her parents would immediately let us in, so we go through the window.

There is a large lump under her covers, breath rising and falling, so we know it is actually her and not her pillows.

'Riles?' I ask and sit down next to her, putting my hand on what should be her shoulder.

She inches her face out of the covers, it is soaked. 'Peaches. Why are you all here?'

'Are you okay, honey?' She shakes her head and sits upright, shaking the covers off her.

'What's going on?' Zay enquires. Lucas lightly elbows him, and he dramatically recoils.

'Riley, we still love you, nothing could stop us from loving you.' Farkle assures her. She looks up at him, but her face looks hopeless.

Lucas then sits on the other side of the bed, next to her. 'Riley, I'm sorry.'

'No, Lucas, nothing was your fault. Thank you... for understanding.' He nods and pats her back twice, before standing up and sitting down in the bay window.

Smackle walks up to her, but doesn't sit down. 'Riley, I know your family thinks it's wrong... but I don't think it's your choice, Riley. None of us blame you. Remember that.' She slowly opens her arms and embraces Riley. Then, she walks up to the window and sits next to Lucas.

Zay stands next to me. 'So, Riley, you're gay?' For some reason, him saying that makes her squeeze her eyes shut.

'Slow, aren't you, Zay?' I remark. Riley opens her eyes.

'Yeah, Zay. I'm... yeah.' Riley finds it difficult to admit.

Zay pauses before saying, 'My brother... he was gay. Back in Texas. It didn't change who he was. He was an amazing person. But my parents... they kicked him out because they thought he would influence me and my sister. Riley, I know that being gay doesn't change your personality. Never let your family do what mine did. I know they love you, and they wouldn't do that to you.' Then he walks back to the window and sits down.

Riley is back into tears.

Farkle has already said his part, so he walks to the window and shoos everybody out, following once everyone has left.

* * *

Riley's POV:

Everyone has gone. It's just me and Maya. We sit in our sacred bay window.

'Maya, they're trying to cure me. I almost killed myself the other day. They want me to change. And I need to go to heaven, for them. What do I do, Peaches?'

She looks at me for some time, then hugs me. I don't understand why she doesn't hate my guts at this point. 'You don't have to change, Riley. Not if you don't want to. God will still love you the same. I still love you.'

Then she catches on to the fact I said I almost killed myself. 'You what now?' She exclaims.

'I tried to... down a lot of pills. It didn't work though.' I look away from her.

She gasps quietly. 'Riles, no! Oh my gosh, I can't let you do that, I'd be all alone' she turns my head around to face her.

'Maya, you have the rest of them-'

'It's not the same, Riley.' She interrupts me. 'Don't let them do this to you. If you don't want to change, you don't have to.'

Everything that everybody has been saying is really confusing me now.


	5. The nature

Maya's POV:

'I've got a confession to make' I look directly at Riley, who turns her head back towards me.

'Peaches?' She looks extremely confused, and still is sniffing.

'I...' wow, this is harder than I thought it would be. I look at her face again before deciding to do what I planned. I grab her face and pull it closer to mine.

She looks shocked. I don't do anything more, worried about her response. But she loops her arms around my waist, and moves her face to mine, understanding my intentions.

We remain with our lips against each other's for a few seconds. It's exactly as I wished it would be.

'Peaches, does this mean-' I nod in reply. 'Why didn't you tell me?'

'Riley, honey, you know your family. I was worried about you. Maybe you would respond badly, or your family would. I didn't want to burden you or anything.'

She looks relieved, as if she isn't alone anymore. I lay my head against her shoulder and she lays her head against mine. This position is pretty much normal for us, but it's different now. We're together, at last.

Riley's POV:

I can't believe my Peaches, the girl I've wanted for so long is finally with me. I still can't get over the kiss that happened only seconds ago.

After a minute, there is a knock on the door. We break apart from guilt and worry about my parents reaction.

The face that walks in is my little brother, sitting on the shoulders of my uncle, Josh. The boy Maya used to like, a few years ago.

'Sup little ones.' Josh has never seemed as homophobic as the rest of my family. I don't know what happened between Maya and Josh, but about two years ago, him and Maya just stopped being so crazy about each other.

'A little Auggie told me that something happened here that I might want to know about. Speaking of, Augs, you're getting a bit too big to sit on my shoulders, aren't you?' He drops Auggie on my bed, and the child laughs happily.

'Riley, I came to properly apologise about what I told Mom and Dad. But I know we can trust uncle Josh.'

'Yeah Auggie, I trust Josh.' I do agree. He is trustworthy and wouldn't hate me for anything.

'So the real question is..' I imagined he would ask me what I'm going to do with my life or something. But instead he turns and points to Maya. 'Did you tell her?' Maya laughs and nods, wrapping her arm around my neck. Josh walks up to her and pats her on the back.

'One minute' I can't get a hold of this. 'You knew?'

'Yeah of course' Josh chuckles 'what do you think we were always talking about?' I can't believe this.

'So you two... are a couple now?' Auggie asks us. We look at each other, then back at him and nod in unison. I see Maya put her finger to her mouth, and whisper 'shh.'

* * *

We try our best to avoid telling my parents. But when you're not supposed to be acting normal, and instead trying to cure yourself, it doesn't succeed well.

We feel uncomfortable acting normally around them. And Maya isn't even allowed to sleep in my room anymore. Well, nobody is, but it's strange, because she always could.

After a couple days, we decide to tell our friends. They have made it pretty clear that they don't mind it.

We sit in Topanga's in our usual seats. We made sure to be here on my Mom's day off. However, the problem is that Katy is still working behind the counter. In fact, she's supposed to be off, it she takes any overtime to earn money.

When she walks into the stock room, the rest of our friends already have faces covered in anticipation. 'What is it?' Farkle asks.

'Aaaand... she's gone. Okay.' Maya declares. 'Riley and I are a couple' she gets straight to the point, quietly but loud enough for them to hear.

'Good for you.' Zay remarks. Lucus looks like he's going to say something, but Katy walks back in, so Maya puts her finger onto her mouth. Everyone nods.

* * *

First day back in school since everything happened. My parents are still trying to cure me, so I wonder what's going to be on the board today.

We walk into class, and sit down. The board has NATURE written in big letters. 'This again?' I ask.

'It's different this time, Riley.' He hits the board with his stick. 'Nature. What's natural?'

'We are, Mr Matthews.' Maya pipes up.

'Good. Now, do you remember what you kids learnt in health class? Despite my arguments, you learnt it anyway?'

Smackle chimes in with 'For a baby to be born you need a boy and a girl. A man and a woman rather. To fertilise'

'Correct.' He points at Smackle. Farkle stands up.

'Farkle time, sir?' Mr Matthews steps aside to allow Farkle to take the class.

'Mr Matthews not to disrespect, but that is not the only natural thing in the world.' My dad looks shocked that he's on my side.

'What's natural? Friendship. Growth. Feelings. Those are natural between every person, aren't they?'

'Yes, but-'

'Mr Matthews. What is the difference between a boy and a girl, and two of the same gender? Both are natural, both contain feelings and feelings are natural.'

'My little girl doesn't know her feelings yet.' He declares, but I stand up.

'I do dad. I know exactly what I feel.' I turn around, walk to Maya and then turn again to face my dad. Maya follows suit by standing up.

'We know what we feel.' She decides. I wrap my arm around her.

'What is this, Riley?'

Farkle hasn't sat down yet. 'Maya and Riley. We all would have known it. The closest friendship. They grew up together. And now, they know their feelings. They changed each other just like you taught us. Riley and Maya, the most natural thing.'


	6. The talks

"Riley, honey, can you come to the lounge please?" I hear my mother shout. My dad left the house a few minutes ago with Auggie to go to the park, so this can't be good.

I stroll out into the lounge, her my mother is sitting on the couch with a thin woman, who is wearing glasses. The stranger rises, and extends her hand for me to shake. "Hello, Riley, my name is Doctor Roberts. I am a psychiatrist who is here to help you. Please, sit down." She guestures to the couch across from her.

"I'll leave you two alone" Mom says, walking back into the coridoor.

I sit hesitantly on the single seater and the woman follows suit. She opens the book which has been laying on the coffee table and clicks her pen, collected from her ear.

"So, Riley."

"Y-yeah?" I stutter in reply

"Do you ever hear any voices?"

"N-no, ma'am"

She jots something down in her book. "Any ringing sounds that aren't there?"

"No, ma'am" I reply, then decide to try to lighten the mood, "Is... that the doorbell?"

She looks at me disapprovingly, and I sink back into the chair backwards. "I was joking. Sorry, ma'am."

"So, Riley, you think you're a homosexual, your mother tells me." I cringe as her eyes pierce into my soul. "How many boys have you been with?"

I think it over. I don't know if Farkle counts, when we were younger and he swore he loved me. Or Charlie Gardner, who I had one date with and a lot of awkwardness. Lucas definitely counts. "I don't know... three?" I respond.

She writes some more down. "Did you have sexual relations with any of them?" This seems personal.

"N-no, ma'am. Almost... but no."

She continues writing, then asks me "How do you know for sure, then?"

"I just have these feelings, y'know? I don't mean you... know but I mean that people know... well I'm not sure if anyone knows-" I stutter, and she looks at me sternly. "I just have these feelings." I declare.

"Miss Matthews, do you want to be homosexual?" She asks me, staring straight at my face.

"I just want to be close with my parents, I want to be normal, go to heaven and be able to help my family-" I blabber, and she interrupts

"Riley, I'm not going to be able to help you if you don't answer my questions properly"

"No, ma'am, I don't want to be..." it's so hard to admit, "I don't want to be this way"

She finishes writing a sentence before asking me "Can you please fetch your mother? I need to talk to her alone for a minute. Thank you" I run to my Mom, who is sitting in her room, and she rushes out to the lounge. I go to the bay window and sit down. Tears begin escaping my eyes. I burning feeling the whole time, but I only allowed my eyes to rain now.

Maya climbs through the window.

* * *

Topanga's POV:

I rush into the lounge, and Riley returns to her bedroom.

"She can be cured, right?" I ask the Dr. desperately.

"She needs to really be willing to put the work into it" the thin woman tells me.

"Oh, of course, she is, I'm sure of it" I assure her.

"Mrs Matthews, it would be best for your daughter if your husband came to join us in therapy."

"Oh." I reply

* * *

Riley's POV:

"Hey Maya" I wipe the tears off my face with my sleeve, and she uses her arms to cuddle me. "Thanks, peaches"

I relax into her arms, and sob on her shoulder. "What happened, Honey?" She asks me, "do you wanna talk about it?"

"Yeah" I sniff "It's just, um, that, my mom asked for a therapist, um" I sob, almost looking up, but she shushes me and strokes my back softly.

"You don't have to be strong for everyone, Riley. I'm here for you"

"Mhm" I nod, ready to lift my head. I look at her face, and she looks worried and caring. Boy, what would I do without Maya?

* * *

The front door opens and closes, and I hear my Mom saying goodbye and thank you to Dr. Roberts. Maya and I sit in silence, then she pats my leg and tells me "I think I ought to go before she suspects anything."

She crawls out of the window and looks back, checking for the last time, whispering "are you going to be okay?" I nod and sniff.

A couple minutes later, I hear the door again, and the muffled voices of my father and Auggie. I hear "Okay, Auggs, go do your homework now" and protests from the young child before he runs off to his room.

I then hear calls for my name, so I run to the kitchen, where my parents are sat in their usual places.

"So, Topanga, what did she say?" Mom hesitates. She looks at me, knowing that I probably overheard it all.

"She says it would be best if you two had some quality time together. Like... a daddy daughter day?" Mom suggests.

"Yeah, sure" Dad replies. "Hey, honey, we can go out tomorrow, how's that sound?" I don't know why them both looking at me feels so pressurizing.

"Alright, Dad. Can I go do some homework... so I have the day free tomorrow?" They nod and let me go.

* * *

Cory's POV:

Riley runs off to her room, leaving me and Topanga to talk alone.

"Is that all she said? I thought you wanted her to cure Riley?" I ask Topanga. "We're spending a lot of money on this, right?" I question.

"She also said she wants the both of us should join Riley in sessions" Oh... welll.

"I thought I didn't need to get involved, honey. I thought..." this is hard for me, and I don't want to damage anything "Let her go to sessions"

Topanga protests "I can't do this alone, Cory. What do I do when I read that homosexuals recruit children. What if..." she pauses to take a breath, fighting tears "What if Riley was recruited? I need her to go to heaven with us"

I put my hand on Topanga's shoulder. "Honey, no need to think drastically. Our daughter will be fine-"

She cuts me off "No, I can't lose her", shrugging my hand off and running away out the front door.

* * *

Riley's POV:

I hear my parents arguing, almost hushed, in the lounge. I try to ignore them by putting my headphones on and listening to music.

My door is closed, but not locked, and I don't exactly know how lound my sobbing is, only muffled by my pillow held up to my face.

I pick up my phone and dial Maya's number. It rings five times before I hear her angelic voice, however in voicemail. "Hey, you've reached Maya's voicemail, leave a message or don't, I really don't care" BEEP.

"Hey, Maya, I was just hoping for someone to talk to right now, y'know. It's okay, you probably are extremely busy, so just get back to me. Love ya." Then I hang up.

I see the handle of the door slowly turning before my younger brother enters timidly.

"Are you okay, Riley? I know a lot is going on."

"Yeah, Auggs, I love you for being here for me." I pat the seat next to me in the window, which he sits down in, and I wrap one arm around him. The front door slams, so either Mom or Dad have left the house.

"Everything's gonna be okay, Riley" the young boy tells me. I sure hope so.


	7. The grace

The following day, my Dad and I go to the mall together. He tells me that he will pay for me to buy clothes, go to see a movie and then we'll have lunch.

We walk into one shop. He picks up a bunch of completely out-of-style clothes, stuffs them in my hands, and walks me to the changing rooms.

The first is a dress. It is extremely short, and not exactly my style. I walk out, and he immediately frowns, shaking his head. "Next!" And this pattern repeats for about 5 shirts and dresses. The sixth is another top. I wouldn't at first think that the style would suit me, but it actually did. I walk out of the changing room and he applauds.

"Look at my daughter, what a model, it's beautiful. Scrap the rest, lets get this one." I agree and we head to the counter to pay.

We continue this routine to another three shops, before I tell him I am bored.

"Okay, honey, let's go to see what films are on." At the cinema, most of the films are boring. "How about a classic romance, huh? You love that, Riley!" He asks me.

"Okay" so the movie we choose is Passengers. After heading to the food table and collecting a bunch of gummy bears, we find our seats.

The movie was cute. Adorable, I'd say. But strange. And sappy. By the end, I am almost crying, as I do.

The movie ends, and my dad asks me if I liked it. "Yeah. It was great. But one thing... why couldn't they just get in the pod together?" I query. He laughs at me, claiming that it just wouldn't work.

"Okay... okay. So, where we gonna eat?"

We decide to just go to McDonalds, because we're both almost broke, and don't need anything fancy.

I gobble my food, starving because the only thing I've eaten is gummy bears.

"You're gonna be okay, Riley." He suddenly tells me.

"What?" I look up from the middle of a high bite into the burger.

"You're gonna be okay. Your mom is really only doing what she thinks is best for you. Don't worry, it'll work out."

"Thanks dad. Love you." I take the last bite, then brush my hands together. "Let's go home."

* * *

My mom reads a passage to the Bible to me as I try to drift off to sleep. A prayer.

"Dear lord, we ask that you keep Riley safe from temptation. Please help her return to a pure heart." Her hands are against each other's and her eyes are closed.

"You think this is gonna help heal me, Mom?"

"We have to trust that God will heal you, Riley." She assures me. "But Satan will try to discourage you. Do you trust in God?" She looks at me.

"If he'll let me go to sleep, I would love to" I turn over and close my eyes. She kisses me on the forehead, then leaves the room.

* * *

I have to attend a group at church. The man in the middle is pumping propaganda at us. I try to listen.

"Temptation is all around us. Faith is not enough to help us. It requires discipline, and not just mental, but physical." He gestures to his body. "Who would like to share their story?"

A girl raises her hand, and stands up when the man gestures to her. "I used to be so unhappy. I would stay out all night, and talk back to my parents. But I am healing. Since coming here, I have accepted Jesus as my savior, and I have changed. My mom and I are like best friends." She smiles with a sickly sweet grin.

"That's amazing" the man tells her, and she sits down. "Riley" he looks at me. "How are you doing?" The whole class turns their heads to me.

"Good." I reply shortly.

"Don't you feel better? I can see it in your eyes. Your hard work has paid off."

Wow... this guy knows nothing. He certainly can't see anything in my eyes, and if he can, then I'm just a good actress. However I need to make it look real. "Yeah"

"Lets sing" I participate quietly.

* * *

 _Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me._

Why am I a wretch? What did I do to deserve this? How much am I guilty of?

 _I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see_

I am lost. I hope that I'm not blind, and I don't like feeling like I am. I hope I can find myself again. Unless I already have.

 _'Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace, Mr fears relieved_

No, I am terrified. Of people. Of the world. Of hell, where I am sure to go. Help me...

 _How precious did that grace appear, the hour I first believed_

I believe. I believe that I can be saved. But do I? What do I need to be saved from?

I run through the forest. Everything is spinning. In my head, everything is jumbled. A tear escapes my eye. I look around, stopping for breath. Upwards, I see light through the trees. I am too far out for people to hear me. A loud scream escapes me. I need to let it all out. More tears follow.

Nothing I do seems to make a difference. People tell me it's so easy. I try to act like them, but it's simply impossible. How can I be like everyone else? They all say the answer is simple. But one of the, know what it is like to be in my shoes.

 _Through many dangers, toils and snares, I have already come_

It is so hard to act normal. What is normal, anyway?

 _'Twas Grace that brought me safe thus far, and Grace will lead us home_

Home. Home is where the heart is. My heart has moved. I only hope that wherever Grace takes me, I feel loved, comfortable, and at peace.


	8. The parents

My mom has decided that it would help me to go out as much as possible. See nature, help with groceries, shopping, the park, sports.

On this particular day, I have gone with her to the grocery store. For her it is a way for us to bond, and for me it is a boring day, but a way to prove my improvement.

Bringing the groceries home, and piling them onto the table, I explain to my mother what I have been doing that she has told me to. "I'm exercising as much as possible, eating healthy..."

"Good, that's good, Riley"

"I don't see the point though"'she looks at me, confused. "My face has cleared up, and I'm losing weight, but my mind isn't changing"

"We have to stick to it" she reminds me. I can only nod in return.

"How's the church group? Do you like the people?"

"Oh yeah, it's great... there's this one guy who-" I begin smiling, until I look at her serious face .

"I hope you're taking this seriously, Honey. I mean it, you better be trying, I will not loose you to this" her voice grows desperate.

"Don't worry, mom. Have faith" I try to not make it sound like I'm mocking it.

* * *

Second week with our daddy daughter day. And this time, we're hiking through the forest, with Auggie and Maya. My mom decided it would be great to go without her, and I think she wants to think alone.

We drive off, Dad kissing Mom just before we leave.

* * *

I think Dad has asked Maya to go look after Auggie, to talk to me alone. Not his fault, I bet Mom is using him as a spy. The two other children disappear, leaving my dad to interrogate me.

"How's school?" He starts off easy. "I mean, other than history, because you're doing great in history." He smiles, eyes not directly at me.

"Good." I comment.

"Have any plans for college?" I have always been a good student, so naturally I am expected to continue and do well in college.

"Well... yeah I think so... I'm still looking, but I still want to become a writer" my voice trails off, not sure if Dad will be okay with it.

"Riley, Honey, I know you have an amazing imagination, and I think that's amazing. You're good at writing. But you're getting to an age where you need to think practically. Think about a career which will actually earn you money. Think of something practical. Dreams are great when you're young, but this is the real world."

Now I feel pressurized. "I have seen the world, Dad, remember? I know what's out there"

"Jus think about it, Sweetie" he pats my back.

Suddenly, Maya and Auggie come running towards us, from behind. Auggie is screaming with glee, and Maya chasing the child.

"COMING THROUGH!" She yells, just before the boy would have knocked me over. I jump to the side, then intercept Maya, who bumps into me.

Falling backwards, Maya lands on top of me, and we end up rolling over, laughing. Dad sprints after Auggie, who keeps running.

"Shh..." I whisper into Maya's ear, hinting that my dad could still see us from here. Auggie's screaming voice becomes slightly distant, causing Maya to giggle, and wrap her arms around me.

What begins as a hug turns into her tickling me, though. "No, stop, Maya, ahahaha, I surrender!" I laugh. "Shh" I repeat, as the young screaming stops. She pecks me quickly on the head before we get up, just in time for when my Dad returns, my brother in his arms.

* * *

For the car ride home, I am made to sit in the front with my father. This lowers my confidence immediately. He already begins to argue and lecture me about college, career and practical dreams.

Topanga's POV:

Cory and the kids walk through the door. "How was it?" I inquire.

"I'm healed..." Riley sulks to her room. Maya follows, and Auggie runs to his.

"Cory, what happened?" I ask desperately.

"It was fine, Topanga" he replies defensively, but with Riley and his faces and tones I don't believe him.

"Did you talk to her? What did you talk about?"

"Yes, of course I spoke with her, okay?" He shrugs my hand off his shoulder. "It was fine" he repeats himself.

"Cory, this could make or break her, this is important..."

"I did the best I could do, Topanga. I don't want to be your spy." Then he walks off solemnly to the bedroom.

* * *

Riley's POV:

Back to the therapist. We sit in the lounge, all on the couch, and the woman on the armchair. My dad sits in the middle, and his face indicates that he doesn't want to be here, and was forced. My mom sits on the other side, on my dad's right, and I am on the right. Auggie is at Ava's house.

She begins "Most cases like Riley's are caused by a distant father, or an overbearing mother"

"You had both and I turned out fine" Dad turns to Mom, a grin on his face. Except Mom isn't grinning, she looks dead serious.

"Participate, Cory."

"Oh, yes, I forgot, Topanga, that you weren't fine, you were a strange hippie child... Look, I'm here in the room, isn't that enough?" He shoots, more angry this time.

"I believe I have been a good father. You may not know this, but I teach at her school, and I am constantly involved with my daughter's affairs." Dad looks at the woman, who doesn't stop writing notes down.

"My daughter has never been normal. She tried to be like other girls, but it didn't work out for her. I'm not going to force her to like all the same stuff." He continues.

"Hmm..." she nods, scribbling in her notebook.


	9. The dance

Home at last. After a tiring day at school. There's a school dance tomorrow, not a big one, just a small event. Maya and I decided that we shouldn't go together, in case people judge, plus my dad doesn't know we're together still.

After the lesson when Farkle declared in front of the class that Maya and I were natural and perfect together, my Dad had a long talk with us two. We 'agreed' not to date, and the school forgot about it, as it wasn't seen as a big thing. We stayed together, without my parents knowing, and without even telling Katy or Shawn either.

I told my parents I'll just go alone to the dance, with my friends, as it is not a big deal dance.

Once I walk in the door, there's a boy sitting on the couch, watching tv casually. He looks up and smiles at me, in a smoldering way that would once make me swoon. "Hi" he says softly.

I stroll to the kitchen, where my mom is whistling, baking something. "Wh-who's that?" I whisper, pointing without the boy noticing.

"That would be Jacob. He is the son of one of my colleagues." She smiles.

"You got me a date?" I turn around quickly to make sure he didn't hear me.

"Dad and I agreed that you need to go out with guys. Take him to the dance tomorrow"

"Can't I at least pick my own?"

"Give him a chance, Riley, he's a sweet kid. Now, you be a sweet kid, and give him a cookie or two" she pulls a tray of cookies out of the oven."

"Nah, it's okay" I blow on a cookie and pop it into my mouth.

She brushes them into a bowl and hands them to me. "Go on, Riley, honey"

I grab the bowl, and rush back to the lounge, where the boy is now watching me. "Here you go" I set the bowl down on the couch.

"So I hear your school is having a dance tomorrow night. I was thinkin, if you're free-" he looks at me, with big brown eyes.

"Sure Jake" my short reply comes.

"Great! It's a date" he tries to make it seem like he isn't excited. "I'll be here at 7, that okay?" I nod in reply.

* * *

We walk into the hall, and right away everyone is looking at us. The dress I'm wearing isn't that flashy, it's just a flowery white and pink dress. He is wearing a suit, way overdressed, but everyone seems to think it's cute. Girls rush up to us, but don't get past my friends, who reach us first.

"Who's this hunk?" Smackle asks, earning a friendly shove from Farkle.

"Jake, this is Lucas, Farkle, Smackle, Zay, and my best friend Maya." I point to them respectively. "Everyone, this is Jacob."

"Hey, man. Lucky you're goin out with Riley" his eyes flash to me.

"Aww, yeah, Riles told me about you. The ex. Well, I guess we should be friends, though, no hard feelings." Maya looks offended that he called me Riles. She almost charges, but is stopped by Zay before she can move.

"Hey, Jake, do you mind if me and my friends have a quick word, then I'm sure Lucas won't mind showing you some of his dance moves?" I wink at Lucas.

"Oh yeah, imma show you up on the floor, man!" He plays along.

"Sure thing, honey. I'll go get some punch" he strolls off toward the punch table.

As soon as he is out of earshot, Maya remarks "he's gonna get a punch. From me. Who is that kid?"

"Don't kill me, guys" I sling my arm around Maya. "My mom forced me. And Maya, stop it, you're here with Zay, we made a deal"

"Yeeea don't be stealin ma date" Zay plays Maya on the back, earning a glare from the short girl.

"Hands off, bucko." He instantly retreats.

"Lucas I swear, I don't like the guy." He nods, seemingly embarrassed.

"Well, I guess I gotta go prove I can dance better than this guy." He laughs.

"What if he wants to kiss me goodnight?" I ask Farkle, worriedly.

"Tell him you're gay" he laughs, pats me on the back, and leaves with Smackle, leaving me alone, because Lucas, Maya and Zay have already gone to dance.

I need some air, so I walk toward the entrance of the hall. On the way, I bump into Missy Bradford, who is unfortunately still in the school. "Watch it, Fag" she yells at me. "Wouldn't wanna catch what you have"

I run back inside, and grab Lucas by the shoulder. "Did you tell your friends, Luke?"

"Missy? She is not my friend. I didn't tell anyone, Riley, stop being paranoid."

"I need to breathe" I look around, everything is spinning. I feel like everyone is looking at me."I gotta go"

* * *

Topanga's POV:

I'm getting worried. My daughter hasn't come home yet, and it's 3am.

She finally walks through the door, looking straight ahead. She atempts to walk past me, but I stand up and stop her.

"Where, have you been, Riley?" No response. "You weren't with homosexuals, were you?" No response. Meaning yes.

I shake her lightly by the shoulders. "This isn't you, honey. This is temptation."

"Night, mom." She stumbles to her room. "Pray for forgiveness right away, sweetie" I yell after her.

Riley's POV:

I stumble to my room, dropping my bag, and then to the bathroom. I wipe all my makeup off, and wash my face. The note on the mirror reads " _If you believe, you will receive whatever you wish for in prayer_ "

I read it one more time, before ripping it off the mirror, crumpling it up and throwing it into the trash can.


	10. The visit

Mom goes out with her friends, as she usually does. Normally, Dad picks her up, but he is taking Auggie to a birthday party. He asked me to pick her up, with her car. I see her sitting with Katy and Camille, the one who made the locket for Maya's fourteenth birthday.

I walk towards her table and hear the other two ladies go "ooh, Riley's here", giggling and nudging my Mom. She immediately stands up and makes her way to me.

"Where's Cory?" She asks me, and I roll my eyes.

"He asked me to pick you up, since he's taking Auggie to Doy's birthday party!" I tell her enthusiastically.

"Dewey" she corrects me, and turns to walk towards the car.

"Well, you're welcome? What's with you?" I ask sassily. She continues walking, so I follow while asking "I saw that, yknow. You didn't want your friends to see me."

"Some people wouldn't understand." She doesn't even face me, before I stop her.

"And now it's so obvious. What did you tell them?"

"Just look at you, Riley." I look down at my clothes. I am wearing loose jeans, with a white t shirt that is one size too big for me. The shirt has a rainbow plastered across the whole thing. I didn't realize it, I just liked the shirt. On top, I am wearing a denim jacket.

"And I tell you countless times not to slouch. You look like a guy." She straightens my back as she speaks. Only then do I realize that my posture is relaxed and slightly slumped.

"I've always dressed like this." I lie quickly, not looking directly st her eyes.

"No you haven't, it's getting worse. Why are you doing this, I'm only trying to help you!" She raises her voice only slightly, before looking around nervously to check if people heard. Nobody apparently did, except Katy and Camille, who look away from us and continue laughing.

"You're not helping me. You're trying to help yourself. It's not about me, it's about what people think about me, isn't it?" She looks offended, and I continue "Imagine what would happen, if people thought your daughter was some big queer!"

"Stop it, Riley!"

"Thanks. Great" I shove the keys into her hands, and she yells after me.

"Riley, let's go home"

Without turning around, I tell her "I'm walking. You take the car."

"Where are you going?" I don't answer.

* * *

I don't know why I'm here. Again. I just need to know more. I don't know how making out with a random stranger helps my knowledge, but it does. They tell me things, some of them.

"I haven't see you around here before." She tells me.

"Yeah, well I don't come here much" I reply quietly.

"So... can I get your number?" She grins in a cute way, but I back away.

"N-no" I stutter, and before I know it, I am out the door.

As I stumble outide, I see a church across the street. I almost want to cry, but then I see a sign near the front door. It reads:

"PRIDE: ALL WELCOME"

* * *

Again, I return home past midnight. But this time I'm prepared. I don't want to be grilled by my mother again. As I enter, she stands up from the couch, but before she's able to talk, I do.

"Don't worry. I was at church" I tell the truth... technically.

* * *

Family visits for the day. I greet my grandfather, Alan, grandmother, Amy. Uncle Josh, Uncle Eric, and Aunt Morgan and her family. She has a nine year old daughter, named Cameron, who was born a year after Auggie. Also here is Topanga's older sister, Nebula. Her parents told us that they couldn't visit, but Nebula was conveniently in town while the Matthews planned to visit.

Auggie and I asked if we were allowed to invite Ava and Maya, but our parents agreed that nobody was allowed for the morning. Especially considering there is barely enough space for the amount of people currently here on the table.

The whole family apparently already knows about me, and somehow the conversation has arrived, during breakfast.

"Maybe it's not my choice" I tell them, feeling like it's a debate.

"That's like saying stealing isn't a choice" Cameron replies in a matter of fact way. Auggie looks annoyed at the little girl sitting next to him, and Morgan reminds her to eat her vegetables, earning a moan in reply.

"Cameron is right" mom tells me. The little girl smiles, knowing she has always been the smart child. "The Bible says that men were punished for their acts with other men."

"You don't change, do you?" I ask, and everyone seems tense.

"I can't change the Bible" she tells me.

Josh, who is sitting next to me and extremely quiet, chimes in, "I think people should be able to love whoever they want." Some of them look confused and awkward towards him, so he covers his statement with "Oh, Topanga, this breakfast is delicious."

"Even animals know who to do it with." Topanga continues.

Josh tries to crack a joke, declaring that "Actually, Morgan, doesn't your dog do it with a pillow?"

He is interrupted by Nebula, who has barely spoken. "Can we please discuss something different?"

"I'm done with my food!" Shouts Auggie.

"Me too!" Yells Cameron.

"Go play in Auggie's room" Topanga says, earning a nod from Morgan. Eric follows the children, laughing.

As soon as they're gone, I announce "I don't want to go to college" This earns their attention, and everyone goes silent.

"What's next, you're going to ruin your life?" Mom yells.

"It's my life to ruin!"

Josh pats me on the back, and my grandparents look at Cory disappointedly. Morgan leans against her husband, and Nebula sits, almost unphased, the only one still eating her food.


	11. The invitation

Josh, Maya and I take Auggie, Ava, Doy and Cameron to the park after breakfast. While the children run off, and Cameron laughs another time at Doy's pronunciation of his name, Josh, Maya and I sit on the bench, eating ice cream.

"Is that how life always is now?" My young uncle asks me.

"Basically. At school and home, since Dad is there at school. But he's less crazy about it than Mom. I don't know what's happening with her."

Maya nods, "Nobody knows about us yet, even though Farkle practically shouted it to the world. They had a long talk with Riley and me. And I hear Shawn and my Mom discussing it sometimes. Sometimes they say they won't let me go over at all anymore."

"I didn't know that!" I exclaim.

"Well, I won't let them do that. Anyway, my parents don't know everything, and they aren't taking it as hard as yours are." She tells me, and I agree.

"Hello Riley" I hear a female voice from behind, and instantly recognize it as Nebula.

"Aunt Nebula?" I turn around "What are you doing here?"

"Exploring" is her brief reply, before walking around the bench to face us three.

"Were you eavesdropping?" I ask, and she shakes her head sarcastically.

"You should really come and visit our family in Pittsburgh"

"That's where you live? But isn't your family the same as Mom?" I never really knew much about my mother's side of the family. They rarely visit, or even contact, at least with us. I believe it's mostly due to Topanga's choices, to stay in Philly for Dad, both when her family moved away, and when she was accepted into Yale.

"My family moved to Pittsburgh when I was 19. I still lived with them, so I went to college there. After college, my parents moved away, to LA. I stayed in Pittsburgh, and met the man I eventually married. You could visit us some time. It's really nice."

She pauses to wave at the children, then tells me "I always wished I could have been a Matthews. I don't know why our families aren't more joined, and I wish we came to visit more often. You all seemed so close, when I heard the stories from Topanga."

"Trust me, that's over with" I laugh. "I think they love me, just not the sin."

"They should love their daughter, no matter what kind of sin they think you've committed. I am not like your mother, Riley. Please stay in contact" She pats me on the knee, and smiles, before walking away.

* * *

Topanga's POV:

The doorbell rings, so I stride to the door, not particularly bothered about who it will be. Until I open it.

There are two... people... standing outside. One is (most likely) a guy, but wearing way too much makeup, and a tight black dress, exposing his shoulders, and black gloves, with a necklace. The other is a girl, wearing a black and white dress, also with too much eccentric makeup on, and extremely frizzy hair. They seem Riley's age, maybe a year or two older.

"Hi, Mrs Matthews, is Riley here?" The guy asks in a feminine voice, seemingly embarrased.

Riley's POV:

"Riley" Mom climbs through the window onto the fire escape. I prefer sitting here, rather than inside, as it gives me a better view of the neighborhood, and it's quieter. I like to sit here and write. But I have been found.

"It's worrying enough that you disappear to god knows where at night most days, but now you're bringing these... people into our house?"

"It is my house too, and they're my friends!" I defend myself. I hate how she can barely refer to them as people. "Is it a sin to have friends now? We have a good time, and they are different to my school friends."

"They're gay, aren't they?" Well, isn't that obvious. "I thought you were getting better"

"Why?" I ask, imagining the people sitting awkwardly in the lounge on the couch. "I was miserable. How can that look like I was getting better? I must be destined to go to hell, whatever!"

"I didn't say that!" She yells.

"Well you only listen to the Bible, and that's what the Bible says." I argue, climbing back into the window into my room.

She follows me, trying to convince me that "the Bible says you can change"

"I tried, Mom, I can't change." I sit on my bed, tears streaming from my eyes, voice failing.

"Why do you keep choosing this?"

"Why would I choose this?" I yell loudly, "Why would I choose for you to hate me, for the whole family to hate me?"

"We love you, Riley! This is why I'm trying to help you!"

"Really? This is how you show your love? It doesn't feel like it." I say, storming out of the door to meet my friends and leave.

* * *

"Peaches?"

"Yes, honey?"

"I'm going to go visit my Aunt Nebula in Pittsburgh, for a couple months." She pulls her head out from under my neck and looks at me.

"That's great! You can get away from your family for a bit" her voice sounds weak.

"I'm leaving the day after tomorrow"

"Congratulations, Riley" I can't hold it any longer, it might hurt her.

"I want you to come with me" Now her face lights up, and she dialsher Mom, who will probably be more likely to let her go than Shawn.

"Mom, I want to go to Pittsburgh with Riley" I hear her and Katy discussing it on the phone, and soon after, she puts her phone down, and tells me excitedly, "I can go!"

"Yay!" I yell. "That was fast" and kiss her, my arms wrapped around her.


	12. The getaway

My family, Maya's parents, and our friends are gathered st the bus station to say goodbye to us. I hope this couple months help.

"Have fun" Lucas' voice sounds weak, but his eyes show that he is happy for us. He hugs me as Farkle hugs Maya, then we swap.

All our parents are stood behind our friends, solemnly.

"Take care" Zay pats me on the back, and nods at Maya.

"Promise to message and call me every day?" My little brother asks me.

I hug him, laughing. "It's only two months, Auggie."

"Have fun" Smackle smiles.

"I hope you find what you need" Farkle adds, more quietly, putting his arm around his girlfriend's shoulder. I nod at Maya, who smiles, and sniffs.

"Drive carefully." My mom warns the driver, then turns to me. "Call me when you get there." Then she hands me a book. "I had this engraved with your initials." And I shove it into my bag.

My dad hugs me briefly before I hop onto the bus.

"Take care, kiddo" Shawn smiles at Maya.

Katy adds "Have a good time, baby girl." Maya nods, almost crying, and follows me onto the bus.

"I love you all" I shout as the door closes, and Mom jerks. They all smile and wave, screaming their goodbyes.

"Have fun!"

"Love you!"

"Stay safe!"

"Call me!"

"Bye!"

* * *

Yes. Freedom. I'm already glad to be away from the drama.

I sit next the window, and Maya next to me in the aisle. I stare out of the window, and watch the scenery go by. Maya brought a sketchbook, and is drawing lightly, headphones in.

This feels fresh, new. Like I left all the hassle and worries behind. I'm going to be successful in every way possible. My goal is to achieve a sense of pride and worth as a human being. Something I haven't felt much lately.

* * *

As soon as I knock on the door, I am greeted by my aunt. "Hi, Riley, Maya!" She hugs me excitedly, and then Maya. "I'm so glad you two are here. Mark is at work, but he will come home and greet you later."

We drop our bags on the couch, and are instantly dragged to the roof, laughing.

"WELCOME TO PITTSBURGH!" She turns around and presses a button on a radio. "Can you dance?"

"No... not again? Remember last time, Riley?" She laughs reminding me of Halloween four years ago. "Or she'll go contemporary" she comments, and I remember fighting for the arts and music subjects in John Quincy Adams, when I did so many cringey dances.

The three of us dance until we have no energy left, and Maya and I collapse on top of each other laughing. From the roof, we can see the whole city, it seems.

I forgot how fun Nebula was. She never visits, and I forgot why. But she is just as goofy as me. Or, as I used to be. She is similar to how Mom was when she was a little hippie, but more loose.

* * *

"C'mon!" Nebula drags me by the arm, and my other arm is dragging Maya along.

We go into the bar, where all kinds of people are dancing. Music is playing loudly, and for once, I feel like I could have some _fun._

"Welcome to wonderland!" Nebula shouts over the music. "Let's dance!"

* * *

Everything starts moving fast. Maya and I move closer to each other, dancing... smiling... singing...

Nebula disappears, but that's okay.

This is completely different to the club I went to back home. Probably because Maya is here with me. And I have no paranoia that my parents will show up and drag me out kicking and screaming.

"I say we get a drink, I need a break from dancing!" Maya says after some time, out of breath. I agree, following her to the bar.

* * *

"I still can't believe your mom wants to cure you of your gayness" is the first thing she says, lifting her head from my shoulder, and taking another sip from her drink.

"Well you know, my parents don't really understand it."

Maya pauses, then says "mine didn't at first... but now they're okay with it."

"You told them?" I gasp.

"Yeah" she giggles, then her expression changes. "Sorry. They promised they wouldn't mention it to your parents, but they fully support me. And you."

"Well... I'm glad for you, Maya. How did you get them to understand, you say they didn't understand at first?"

"I said... 'accept me as I am, or forget it'" she uses a hard tone to demonstrate. Wow. It seems like something outspoken Maya would say. But I can't believe she already told them. I'm glad they're happy with it, though.

"I know my mom means well, but I don't think she'll ever accept me" I sigh.

"You can't stop trying, honey" she puts her arm around my waist.

* * *

Topanga's POV:

A Package, from Riley. I open it, and out falls a book. The title reads:

"Now That You Know

What every parent should know about homosexuality"

* * *

Riley's POV:

Fresh air. And Maya. All I need in life. We sit in the park, laughing, wig a picnic. This is bliss. No worries, no pain.

She kisses me confidently, and I suddenly look around. I don't know why, but I feel insecure. Like I'm going to be criticized.


	13. The return

Standing outside my apartment door, the only reason I'm still together is that Maya is standing next to me.

"I have to go now" she pats me on the back. "Don't let her get to you" I try to keep my face strong, but it doesn't work. "Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself" she whispers in my ear.

We share a kiss and hug, and I hold her as tight as I can. "Two months flew by too fast" my voice is faltering.

"Call me" she smiles, then leaves, as I open the door, and am greeted by my family inside.

"Look who's home!" My dad smiles. Good start. "Just in time for dinner, come on in" I follow him to the table where everyone is already sitting, watching Mr Googley. Uncle Josh is also here with them. "Maya's not here?" He asks, and I shake my head.

"Her parents wasnted her home tonight" it's only a half lie. Her mom couldn't stop asking about the holiday, but the real reason is because I don't want them to get suspicious.

"How was the trip, Riley?" Auggie asks me.

"Hi Auggie!" I hug my little brother. "It was great. Aunt Nebula and her husband are so sweet, and Maya and I had so much fun!"

"By the way..." I try to start. Suddenly I feel like I can't talk. But I need to remember what Maya told me. Be strong.

"Yes, Riley?" My Dad asks finally.

"I might... umm... want to move away for a bit." Mom's spoon drops onto her plate, but no words come out.

"W-why?" Dad continues, confused.

"I'm with someone." I let out. Josh and Auggie exchange glances, but don't say anything. "I'm with Maya." I tell them. Mom gets up and walks to the other side of the kitchen, seemingly ignoring me.

"Are we supposed to pretend we didn't hear that?" Auggie asks innocently, and Josh nudges him. I follow Mom.

"You should start thinking about college, Riley. It's okay to take some time off, but then they start-" ugh. She's babbling on.

"Did you hear what I said?" I interrupt.

"I don't want to know" she dismisses. But I have to keep trying.

"I want you to know." I insist.

"We always start at the beginning every time, if it's not going to change, let's not go there." She doesn't even look at me.

"When I'm with her" I ignore what she said, but she sighs. "It feels so good! She cares about me, and I've known her all my life..."

"I told you I don't want to hear it." She interrupts me again.

"No, if spent the last year listening to you, and now it's my turn. I love Maya, but if she touches me in public, or god forbid kisses me? I pull away. I feel ashamed." I cry.

"Because you know it's wrong!" She finally turns to me.

"Because you told me it's wrong!"

"It's not me, Riley, it's the Bible."

"It's not the Bible, it's you! Why can't you admit that? Why can't you admit that you hate what I am?" My voice raises, but energy rushes through my body, adrenaline, supplies from Maya and the pent up feelings inside me.

"What you've become" she interjects.

"It's what I am!" I correct her, ignoring the tears trying to escape. "I'm sorry I'm not the perfect little Riley you've always wanted. But I can't keep apologizing for it. Accept me as I am, or forget it" I use Maya's words. Word for Word.

"I won't have a gay daughter." She stands strong.

"Then Mom? You don't have a daughter."

"Fine" she whispers, nodding. I storm past them into my room and sit in the bay window, ignoring my Dad and Uncle calling my name.

I hear footsteps following me, but ignore them.

My door opens, and my little brother walks in. "Do you really think she would change, Riley?"

"She meant it." I stare off into space.

"I want you to be happy, Riley. And I know we all love Maya. But no matter what, she won't accept it. It's gonna be a lonely life, because she won't be welcome here. No baywindow, Christmas, thanksgiving. Even if she comes with Shawn, there is no guarantee it won't be hostile."

I love how sometimes my brother blooms into a genius, but I don't want to listen this time.


	14. Author's Note (apology)

**It's been a while, hasn't it.**

 **Ok, I swear I haven't given up on this FanFiction yet. Though recent chapters have had less attention, I am determined to finish this fic, because I personally love the concept, movie, and show.**

 **I just need to let you all know I haven't given up, but have been working on school, other fanfics, the works. If you want, you can read any of my other fanfics, and I promise I will try to post the next chapter to Prayers for Riley within the next couple weeks.**

 **Love u all.**

 **Melody**


	15. The move & The suicide

Riley's POV:

I feel betrayed that mom wouldn't even come outside of the house to say goodbye to me, but I didn't feel much more than betrayal from her lately. She just stood in the lobby, head in her hands, covering her eyes.

"Don't worry about your mother. She'll be okay, but I don't think she's going to come to say goodbye." Dad says, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Are you share you'll be okay?" He asks.

"I'll be alright, Dad. And I've got everything I need." I put the best smile I can muster onto my face.

"I'll take good care of her, you know it." Josh chips in. Maya and I moving in with him, since he and Andrew recently got an apartment to live in near NYU.

"Is Maya meeting you there?" My father asks, concerned.

I nod. "I think she's already there." Then I turn to my little brother. "It'll be okay, Auggie." He is emotional. I can tell he is trying his hardest not to cry, but isn't succeeding very well. "I'll come and visit you, and if you ever want to talk, I'm here." I hold him in my arms.

"It won't be the same." He cries, and I pat him on the back.

"I know." My eyes dart to where my mom is standing by the window, position unchanged. "Hey, and when I write my first book, you'll be the first one to read it!" I try to lighten the mood, and he smiles weakly.

"Thank you, Riley."

My phone rings. Farkle. I pick up on instinct. "Hey, Riley, Smackle and I just wanted to say that we're gonna miss seeing you at school, but we know you're gonna do amazing. We're sorry we couldn't come, but-"

"It's fine, Farkle. You didn't have to come. Thank you. I'll miss you guys too."

"Bye, Riley." His voice almost cracks.

"Bye, Farkle. Thanks for lifting my head." I hang up, trying not to cry.

"Lets go, Josh." I stand up fully, look back one more time, and Josh takes my suitcase and puts it in the back of his new car, while I get in the front.

* * *

Topanga's POV:

I can't believe she actually did it. She tried before, but this time it's real. She's gone. I can't watch. Tears stream down my face as I realize she is actually leaving.

My feet find me in her room again, and I can still smell her, even if most of her clothes and other things are gone. I climb out of the window, onto the fire escape, as if I'm just looking for her.

* * *

I spend a lot of time in her room. Crying. Looking. Feeling her scent slowly fade. Replaying memories. Of the baywindow. Of arguments, and tears, and happiness and laughter.

* * *

Cory's POV:

Life goes on, as if nothing happened. Auggie goes to school, and soccer and piano. I teach. The two places at the front are filled with two new students, who's eyes don't sparkle. Lessons become just... history.

I see Farkle and Smackle, and Lucas and Zay in the coridoors. I don't know what to say. Tears fill Farkle's eyes and he nods at me silently. The others smile weakly. I continue walking.

* * *

Riley's POV:

I get a job. Not a prestigious one, but something. I know I'll need it, I'm not stupid. I'll be able to move up the ranks when I can.

Maya works as a cleaner for NYU, and I work in an old folk's home nearby. I help the elderly, seeing them so close to death.

more... stuff

* * *

The four of us sit at the table as I open gifts sent from my family for my birthday. I open the box from my mom, not expecting much.

"Wow, your mom went all out, didn't she." Josh sarcastically sighs as he sees what's inside.

"A shirt. And a pamphlet. 'AIDS: the wrath of God' Wow. Happy Birthday to me."

"You can't expect anything different, she isn't changing." He consoles me.

"Birthdays were always such a big deal for our family. You should know that, Josh. I guess I'm just not one of their family anymore."

"Let's go, Riley." Maya stands up and extends her hand for me to take.

* * *

"You sure this is ok?" Maya's hand is not shaking nearly as much as mine.

"They loved you before they knew we were together. It won't change a thing." She cupped my cheek in her hand, and smiled. "Let's go!" She laughed, and we ran inside.

* * *

"Oh, did you have to tell that story?!" Maya laughs as she refills her drink.

"Yeah, and I have so many more if you want to hear them. Riley, you should really come see us more often." Katy replies.

"Tell us though..." Shawn cuts in. "How are your parents with you being gay? I haven't spoken to Cory since I found out."

I look at Maya, then back at Shawn. "Not good." My chest starts to burn.

"Maybe it's just hard for them at first. They'll come around." Katy adds. "You're the most wonderful girl I know, Riley. I'm sure they love you."

A pause. Then, "Hey! Cheers to that!" Shawn breaks it, and we all chime our glasses.

Small talk comes back, but for me the room starts spinning. They all laugh, but I just stare blankly at Maya. Voices flood my mind.

 _It's a sin. It's not natural._ My mom's comes first.

 _They'll come around._

 _You're ruining your life._

 _She'll never be welcome here._

 _Why do you keep choosing this?!_

They all repeat and mix and flood, until I can't distinguish them apart anymore. Sometimes I hurt so bad. I'm scared and alone. I'm damned. I'm slowly sinking in a vast leg of quicksand. A bottomless pool. I wish I could crawl under a rock and sleep forever.

* * *

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. On the sixth, a voicemail message comes.

"You've reached Maya. I'm not here right now, but if you leave a message after the beep..." she pops the p. "I'll get back to you. Later suckers."

"I-it's Riley." I stammer. "I thought you'd be there." my voice shakes."I need someone to talk to and I thought... I thought you'd be there." I hang up.

* * *

I thought driving along in the street would help me. All it did was hurt me.

I pass the first club I ever went into. The one I ran out of, twice. One glance at the door and I feel further pushed to the edge, tears flowing like a river.

I see Maya run out, being pulled along by a slightly taller girl. They both laugh. They both run. She might not be the one in the lead, but she doesn't resist.

I continue driving.

* * *

Topanga's POV:

I keep praying for Riley. I have to. "Please, dear lord, continue to help heal Riley's heart of sin..." my hands clasp together even tighter.

"so that she may find her way. The way of purity, and the way of the reighteous."

* * *

Riley's POV:

I lock up after work. The key... I leave on a table. Someone will find it. Nothing will end the voices in my head now. Except...

I walk over the footsteps of all that time ago, back to that bridge. I put my hand on the side, and it seems to trigger memories even more.

The repetitive " _It's a sin, it's not natural."_ Gets louder, and everything that has happened recently flashed through my head, getting clearer, louder, stronger.

I think about my life. It's changed so much recently. Like a record player, a song from the deep part of my mind resurfaces.

 _Out here in space, I kiss your green face but it feels like you're light years away._

I feel like light years away. I look up first this time. One billion trillion stars, and I had to be the furthest one. I am Riley Matthews, from Greenwich Village, New York, the United States of America, the Continent of North America, The Western Hemisphere, the Earth, the Milky Way, the universe... the mind of god.

I look directly down. My eyes are already blurring too much to see the individual cars get enveloped my the bridge beneath me, especially as they are going so fast.

A tear falls, and seems to land in the exact same place as I remember. From this moment, I don't want to hesitate.

I quickly pull myself up onto the side, not even looking to see if anyone's around me.

Even in my shoes, my toes can feel the corner. I turn around, breathing deeper than I ever have before, tears heavier than they have ever been before. Memories flood so fast they blur, and flash, and I can't see them individually, like a movie on fast forward.

My arms stretch out to the sides. I'm ready. No hesitation, Riley. This is the only thing that can stop the voices, the flashing memories.

I look up to the sky one last time. I'll miss you, world.

For some reason, in that last moment, that last breath... the memories stop to one.

"I won't have a gay daughter." My mom declares.

The last thing I hear is a loud horn, and...

* * *

 **ooooooh...**

 **okay, I know I promised two weeks, and it's been almost two months, I didn't expect to be so BUSY.**

 **(I condensed two chapters into one. Couldn't stop it just flowed, and I felt like it would make up for being so late)**

 **Anyway! That's the end of the first half of this fic! Woohoo! I swear I'll try as hard as possible to start the next next half soon, it should be a little shorter, but who knows XD.**

 **thank you so much if you stayed this long, I love you all.**


	16. The funeral

Auggie's POV:

The house phone starts ringing. I don't know who it is, but I have to answer because Mom's already at work, and Dad is in the bathroom.

"Hello?" I ask as I pick up the receiver. I recognize the voice immediately as Josh. "Uncle Josh? What's wrong?" His voice is shaky and rushed.

He stammers something over the phone, and I can't even believe him. My ears start ringing, and I sink to the floor.

"No..." I cry. "DAD!" I shout. I just keep calling his name, until he comes, and takes the phone from my hand.

"Hello?" He says blankly into the receiver. "Oh, Hi Josh..."

* * *

Topanga's POV:

"Topanga Matthews" one of my colleagues comes to my desk and puts his hand on top of my papers. "You're wanted out at front. Apparently you need to bring your purse."

"Well, probably one of my kids needs money again..." I close my laptop slowly, and pick up my bag. "I needed a break anyway."

I go towards the front, pulling my wallet out, but instead of a child, I see my husband's face on the other side of the caging wall, and he looks very disturbed.

"Cory?" I show down. "What is it?"

"Um..." He stammers, hands in his pockets. "Uh... Riley..." His voice stars to falter. "She killed herself." Now, he is fully crying, and I can tell it isn't the first time he's cried today.

"She jumped off a bridge." He manages. "She's gone..." he looks down at the floor.

"I... I need to go." I whisper.

"No. NO!" I start to rattle the caging, and try to open the door, but it won't budge.

"Help me..." my husband joins in trying to open it, and I hit the button repeatedly, but it just buzzes rudely. "Help Me!" I shout. "MY DAUGHTER IS DEAD LET ME OUT!"

Our hands interlock through the caging.

* * *

Maya's POV:

"Wait...slow down! What's wrong?" I yell calmly into the phone. Josh is stuttering very rushedly, and it seemed really urgent. I try to keep calm to help him calm down, until he tells me the news.

Suddenly, I'm the only one in the world. I slam down my phone, and run outside and throw my bag onto the floor carelessly. All I can do is scream, until I have no voice left.

I hurt her.

I left her.

I could have helped her.

When I have lost all breath and energy, I just fall onto the floor. I feel so lifeless, there isn't anymore meaning.

* * *

Cory's POV:

It feels wrong to be putting on a tie for your own daughter's funeral. Dressed in black, it reminded me of Mr Feeny's funeral one and a half years ago.

Back then, I was devastated. My mentor, the one who got me through my life, wasn't here anymore. I thought that was the worst feeling ever. I knew nothing, it seemed, because what I am feeling now feels a thousand times worse.

I turn to Topanga, who straightens the tie around my neck, and a tear rolls down her cheek.

* * *

Topanga's POV:

"The death of a loved one is always tragic." The funeral man announces. "But the death of a young person can be particularly painful, because that person had her whole life ahead of her. Riley was only 18 years old, we can never know who she could have been, or what she could have accomplished."

This entire speech seems to be directed towards us. Towards me. I feel like everyone wants to blame me. I wants to blame myself.

"Riley was a good young woman, but she was lost. By giving into temptation, she strayed. Then, disillusioned, she chose to end her life. Now we know to condemn the sin, not the sinner. It was this sin that Riley succumbed to. It led to her unhappiness, and it led her to take her own life. As goodness begets goodness, so does sin beget sin." I didn't want to listen anymore.

Cory and I stood up, some family and friends following, and I led them to the coffin, which had a picture of happy Riley on top of it. I lay a rose on top, then bowed, and let my husband follow suit.

* * *

My mom actually came home for the funeral. I haven't seen her in a few years. She, being the one to teach me to believe so strongly in the Bible. She comes into the kitchen with an empty bowl, as I chop the food.

"You're running low on sandwiches." She says, placing the plate in front of me.

"Mom, do you think Riley got salvation?" I ask, ignoring her demand.

"I don't know..." she comes around the counter to stand beside me.

"Suicide is a sin." I stare blankly into my chopping board. "But maybe god knew she wasn't in her right mind... I mean if, why would god allow riley to go to hell if it was in his power to cure her?" I ramble.

"I don't _know,_ Topanga. Pull yourself together! People are uncomfortable enough." she grabs the plate of newly made sandwiches and returns to the lounge.

* * *

 **A/N So it has been ages but now I'm not that busy (for a short time) so I thought it would be the perfect oppeortunity to get some writing in. Watching over this scene and writing this chapter genuinely made me cry. Hope you felt it too.**


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